Jim Lynch

Who Cares About Gaming on the iPhone?
Apple makes yet another doomed, hopeless foray into gaming.

The 3G iPhone (or the Satan Phone as I call it) is set to make its debut this week. While I panned the hardware changes in two previous columns there’s much more to this release than just hardware changes. Along with the new phone we’ll also be getting the iPhone 2.0 software and the apps store.

What concerns me in this column though is just one part of the apps store, gaming. One of the most hyped things at Steve Jobs’ latest keynote was a demo of Super Monkeyball from Sega. Supposedly this game will herald in a new era of mobile gaming as the iPhone becomes a major portable gaming platform.

Excuse me but is Apple kidding?

Apple’s Atrocious Track Record on Gaming
Before we get into why gaming will suck on the iPhone it’s important to note Apple’s terrible record when it comes to gaming. Apple has never made much effort to really make its products gamer-friendly and the company has made no secret of this.

But every so often the company burps out some silly rhetoric about games and then promptly does absolutley nothing. Remember the interview with Valve’s Gabe Newell ?

In it he spelled out how hard it was working with Apple to get anything related to games done:

“Kikizo: People keep asking you about a potential Macintosh version, and your stance is that this is a strictly Windows project…?

Gabe: Well, we tried to have a conversation with Apple for several years, and they never seemed to… well, we have this pattern with Apple, where we meet with them, people there go “wow, gaming is incredibly important, we should do something with gaming”. And then we’ll say, “OK, here are three things you could do to make that better”, and then they say OK, and then we never see them again. And then a year later, a new group of people show up, who apparently have no idea that the last group of people were there, and never follow though on anything. So, they seem to think that they want to do gaming, but there’s never any follow through on any of the things they say they’re going to do. That makes it hard to be excited about doing games for their platforms.

Kikizo: So you think it’s all because of staff turnaround in their gaming department?

Gabe: I just don’t think they’ve ever taken gaming seriously. And none of the things developers ask them to do are done. And as a result, there’s no gaming market there to speak of. We’d love it if they would get serious about it. But they never have, and can’t even follow trough on any of their commitments for game developers.

Kikizo: So would you say that the rumour that crops up every couple of years that Apple is about to do a big plan and release a console box, is basically bullshit?

Gabe: We’ve seen no evidence that they are able to follow through on even simple programs in the game space. It seems bizarre to me because it’s like one of the biggest things holding them back in the consumer space. If you look at a Macintosh right now, it does a lot of things really well compared to a Vista PC, but there are no games. Why, I don’t know. If I were a Macintosh product manager, it would be pretty high on my list, and a problem to get taken care of, as probably the number one thing holding them back with consumers.”

I think Newell has hit the nail squarely on the head about Apple and gaming. There’s literally no follow through! It’s as if Apple is schizophrenic when it comes to games and apparently the company can’t get the right prescription to get a handle on its illness. Can’t somebody get Apple a recommendation for a good psychiatrist? Sheesh.

Think I’m exaggerating? Well remember Jobs’ keynote a while back in 2007? I pointed out then in my column “Did Apple Lie to Mac Gamers” that the supposed EA and Apple gaming alliance wouldn’t amount to very much and apparently it hasn’t.

Apple has failed utterly to make the Mac a viable and happening gaming platform and I doubt, based on this awful track record, that the iPhone will be any better.

Will the iPhone’s Acceleromater Save iPhone Gaming?
One cool thing that the iPhone has is an acceleromater built into it. This opens the door for some neat stuff very roughly along the lines of what Nintendo offers with the Wii. However, will it be enough to save gaming on the iPhone from failing the way it has with the Mac?

I have to say no. No doubt there will be some fun games here and there but I think jaded gamers will quickly tire of the acceleromater based games and eventually it simply won’t be that big of a deal. Oh sure at first Super Monkey Ball and its ilk will wow iPhone gamers…for a few minutes…and then reality and disappointment will probably set in once the coolness factor fades.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that the acceleromater is in the iPhone. And I look forward to screwing around with it when I start playing with some iPhone games. But is it really going to be enough to make the iPhone a truly viable platform for games?

I’m sorry, I just don’t see it happening. It’s a gimmick and we all know that gimmicks ultimately end up fading away and being forgotten.

Only Masochists Will Game on the iPhone!
Who the heck would even *want* to game on an iPhone anyway? Now before the flames start heading my way, I have been a skeptic of mobile gaming for some time. It’s always seemed to be an uncomfortable way to play a game, staring at a tiny screen and trying to push some half-ass button to actually play.

Well the iPhone doesn’t have any buttons so that’s one problem solved. Or is it? Has anybody thought through the implications of somebody’s thumb or finger smashing into the iPhone’s screen over and over again? Now I know some of you are probably thinking “well what about multitouch Jim? People are touching the screen all the time! Duh! What’s the problem?”

Well the problem is that when you are checking email or browsing the web or using multitouch in some other way you aren’t freaking out trying to get to level 10 or kill the giant oooba dooba or whatever while playing a game. Games bring out the worst in people’s behavior as people become more competitive, hyper or intense as they try to beat the game. Or they become furious and outraged when something bad happens to them in the game.

How many iPhones are going to be damaged or outright destroyed by adrenaline-junkie gamer dingbats who can’t control themselves? Will gaming-destroyed iPhones be covered by Apple’s warranty or will Steve Jobs laugh his head off as legions of doofus gamers head back to the Apple or AT&T stores after destroying their iPhones? Hey, gaming could make Apple more money than anybody expects but just not in the way we all expected!

And just how comfortable (or even dangerous) will gaming on the iPhone be to the gamer’s eyes? Yes, the iPhone has a larger screen than some other cell phones but is it really large enough to stare at for any length of time while trying to play a game? Can you imagine what playing World of Warcraft would be like on the iPhone? I shudder to even think about it!

A small phone screen - even one the size of the iPhone - does not make for comfortable, long-term gaming. I suspect some dedicated iPhone gamers might even be visiting the optometrist after a few years of playing iPhone games. Near sighted, far sighted…hey who cares as long as you can play some games on your phone right?

I could be wrong on the comfortability issue when it comes to iPhone gaming but I doubt it.

What Kinds of Games? What About the Competition?
I’m mostly kidding about WOW as it really doesn’t lend itself to mobile gaming. But it does raise the issue of what kinds of games will be available for the iPhone. What will we have to look forward to? At this point nobody’s really sure what the launch lineup will look like, Monkeyball aside.

I would not get your hopes up, iPhone gamers. I suspect there will be few games ready for release and not a lot available for a long time if ever. And is that really surprising given that the iPhone is a phone and not a real gaming machine like the PSP or Nintendo DS?

Speaking of the PSP and DS, wouldn’t most gamers really rather have one of those products instead of an iPhone? I doubt that a true gamer would settle for a second-rate iPhone game when they could buy a PSP and get first-rate games in a killer mobile package. And let’s face it - what will the iPhone have that could ever compare with the mighty Nintendo’s offerings?

Ninteno has some of the most popular and beloved gaming franchises ever created! Zelda, Mario, Metroid and all the rest are simply outstanding games and what does Apple have to compete with this? Monkeyball? Spore? Wow, talk about not even being in the same league as Nintendo!

Sorry, I just don’t see anything of significance happening on the iPhone when it comes to gaming. If we’re lucky there might be five games worth playing over the next five years.

Gaming on the iPhone is doomed.

What’s your take on iPhone gaming? Will it take off or will it be yet another Apple gaming flop?

They say it’s not nice to kick a guy when he’s down but how about kicking him when he’s retiring? Seems to me that that’s fair game. In case you haven’t noticed there’s been a lot of media coverage about Bill Gates retiring from Microsoft and quite a lot of it has been more than a little fawning. Well it’s time to set aside the fanboy accolades and cut to the truth about Bill Gates.

Bill Gates’ reign at the top of tech plunged the computing world into a new dark age that only the Internet, Apple, Google, and Linux have begun to liberate us from. 

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In my last column I pointed out why I’ve decided not to buy the new 3G iPhone. But since then new information has come to light that indicates that the 3G iPhone is ever worse than I thought initially. The 3G iPhone shouldn’t be called the second coming of the Jesus phone; it should be called the first coming of the Satan phone instead.Given all of the hype about the 3G iPhone, some people are bound to be taken in by it and that’s why the alarm needs to be sounded about why this phone just isn’t a good deal and should be avoided by anyone who wants an iPhone.

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Well another WWDC has come and gone and this one left me somewhat disappointed. Oh sure, I thought the apps coming out for the iPhone were cool and it looks like the 2.0 software update is going to be great. I’m particularly interested in getting some fun games for my iPhone. I can’t wait to use my phone as a steering wheel and that sort of Wii-ish gaming stuff. It’ll probably be the first handheld gaming system that I ever really wanted to own.

However, the other big thing—the 3G iPhone—at WWDC 2008 was a major disappointment. My initial feeling was that I was going to buy one, mainly for the GPS feature and perhaps also for 3G (3G chipset). But I’ve since reconsidered and I don’t think I will be buying one after all. The iPhone I currently have is meeting my needs just fine for now so I think I’ll hold off.

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Microsoft has gone from being a feared technology powerhouse to being a mocked has-been and shell of its former self. The glory days of being able to run roughshod over competitors and instill a sense of terror in rivals have come to a screeching halt as competitors such as Google , Sony, and Apple  have rolled out incredible products and services that put Microsoft’s own products to shame.

But why? What’s been happening inside of Microsoft that has resulted in the former software giant becoming a pale echo of its former self? Well they say that a fish rots from the head down and in Microsoft’s case the fish’s head has been rotting and stinking up the technology world for a long time and, frankly, it’s time for him to go.

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The Hollywood morons (a term of loving endearment I like to use for the movie and TV industry) are still out of it when it comes to the realities of online content distribution in 2008. They seem hopelessly trapped in a 1980s perspective that they have control over their content and can decide when it will be released online.

This naive and dinosaur-ish attitude is probably already costing them a lot of money but they seem hopelessly oblivious to reality and it’s become clear to me that rampant piracy is going to force them to change the way they do business—whether they like it or not. Since they are clearly too stupid to figure all of this out, I’ve taken it upon myself to give them a roadmap and save them from themselves.

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Apple has finally updated its iMac line, but I find the new offering sorely disappointing. At the moment I own a 20-inch aluminum iMac and, while I love it, I’ve been waiting for news about the new iMacs to see if it’s worth upgrading or not.Well it seems the answer is clearly no, this revision is decidedly underwhelming.

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I’ve been playing World of Warcraft for about three years. In that time period, I’ve leveled the following characters:

Alliance:

* 70 Gnome warlock
* 70 Night Elf druid
* 61 Human mage
* 53 Gnome rogue
* 28 Human mage (twink)
* 34 Dwarf hunter
* 32 Dwarf priest

Horde:

* 62 Undead priest
* 13 Tauren druid
* 11 Undead mage
* 27 Troll hunter

I’ve seen quite a lot of what the game has to offer, but I think that Blizzard’s masterful MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game) is in big trouble and needs to be fixed. Here are ten reasons why World of Warcraft sucks and what Blizzard needs to do immediately to fix the game and save it from losing customers.

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Microsoft’s recent announcement of a price cut for Windows Vista illustrates the desperate position the company is in. By all reasonable accounts Vista has failed and Microsoft is desperately trying to prop it up and put some lipstick on a very nasty and very flawed pig. Unfortunately, it won’t work.

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A while back I wrote a column critical of the PlayStation 3 and its legions of annoying fanboys. The fanboys struck back, resulting in an amusing and enlightening forum discussion. One of the things I raked the PS3 over for was the inclusion of a Blu-ray drive that ended up hiking the price of the PS3 significantly. It seemed to me to be something that was not necessary for most gamers and should not have been in the PS3 in the first place.

Here’s some of what I said about the PS3 and Blu-ray:

Take careful note of the overpricing problem. Sony goofed royally by trying to use the PS3 to promote its Blue-ray format. Gamers are already lashing out in anger at being forced to pay an extra $150–$200 per PS3 because Blue-ray is incorporated into each system. Sony’s arrogance and thick-headedness has already ensured that the cheaper Nintendo Wii is flying off shelves and has become the must-have consumer item of the Christmas season. Many parents have breathed a sigh of relief that their kids have ignored the PS3 hype and are asking for the Wii instead.

As I pointed out, this was nothing more than Sony’s attempt to use the PS3 as a trojan horse to foist Blu-ray onto the world.

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