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Apple Freaks Swarm for the iPad!

March 30, 2010

As you may have heard, Apple’s new iPad tablet is coming out on Saturday. Some places already have reviews up. And, predictably, Apple freaks are already swarming, waiting for the chance to waste more of their money on yet another piece of overpriced crap.

Yep, here we are again with yet another overhyped Apple product and legions of brainwashed Apple dingbats desperate to buy it. Can you imagine how scary it will be to actually be in an Apple Store this weekend?

If it were a movie, it would be called Night of the Living Dead Metrosexuals. Every Apple zombie in a thousand-mile radius will converge on the local Apple Store, credit card in hand, drooling and chanting “iPaaaaad, iPaaaaad, iPaaaaaad…” over and over.

History just repeats itself each time Apple releases a new product. And no one ever learns.

The Steve Jobs Cultists
Can’t these people get a life and stop worshipping at the altar of Steve Jobs? For once, can’t they escape his reality distortion field? You’d think that after being financially violated by Jobs and company—over and over again—some of them would actually get a clue and stop wasting their money on his overpriced and unnecessary products.

But no, these dummies seem to believe he’s a deity—this guy can do no wrong in their eyes! Somebody needs to do an intervention with some of Jobs’ acolytes to make them realize that they should stop worshipping him. I doubt it will happen, but it’s long overdue. Anyone know a good cult deprogramming organization? Maybe we can get these people a cheap group session rate. But I don’t know if there’s enough Prozac in the world to deal with them.

The cult of personality surrounding Steve Jobs is worse than the one surrounding Chia Dictator (Kim Jong Il) in North Korea. The difference is that he has to use the threat of nuclear weapons and a huge army to get people to do what he wants. Jobs just waves some shiny objects to hypnotize the masses and they fall for it every time.

Never Buy the First Version of An Apple Product!
Not to mention how stupid it is for people to buy the first round of any Apple product. Duh.

Do I need to mention the original iPhone? It didn’t even have 3G! Apple deliberately waited to bring out a version that did, and owners of the original iPhone had to upgrade to get it. Talk about a screw job.

And what about Apple TV? The first version of that was horrible, with lame storage and software. Unfortunately, it hasn’t gotten much better and Apple even recently booted it off the front page of its Web site. How do you think the buyers of Apple TV 1.0 feel now?

Time and time again, Apple has proven that buying the first release of one of its products is a really bad idea. But you’d better believe that we’ll see the same bunch of tofu-eating, pony-tailed hippies in line at the mall, desperate to get version 1.0 of the iPad. They’ll get there hours before the store opens and pass the time by taking hits off their bongs and watching reruns of Jobs’ latest keynote.

All that could lure their attention away from Jobs is a bag of Doritos—or maybe a box of Twinkies. Hey, the hippies need their munchies to keep their strength up waiting in line to waste more of their money. What’s a few more bucks on the old Visa or Mastercard when you’re already stoned out of your mind, right?

The Pathetic iPad
I covered some of the problems with the iPad in an earlier column, but here’s a quick recap:

1. The name is awful.
2. There’s not enough storage space.
3. It doesn’t have a built-in camera.
4. Ranging in price from $499 to $829, it’s expensive.
5. The display is not an e-ink screen.

Now let me add a few more:

1. You can’t multitask on the iPad.
2. It’s too big to carry around…
3. …and too heavy to carry around.
4. Movies will play in the 4:3 aspect ratio instead of 16:9.

And those are just a few of the iPad’s problems. You could write a book about how badly designed this thing seems to be! It boggles the mind that some people out there are dumb enough to actually pay money for this hunk of junk.

Who could possibly be stupid enough to buy this thing? Who would deliberately take out their credit card and place an order for this totally unnecessary product?

Well, I just happen to know someone.

One More Thing…
April Fool!

Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

In all seriousness, I placed my order for an iPad a couple of weeks ago—and it’s supposed to arrive in my hands by Saturday. Make room for one more Apple Freak! Woohoo!

Yes, I know I said I wouldn’t buy one. But if you’ve read my columns over the years, then you know I’m drawn to cool new technology like a moth to a flame. And the iPad—love it or hate it—is darn cool technology.

What’s not to love about something that takes the iPhone’s form factor and blows it up to 1,024 by 768? It’s like an iPhone on steroids—times ten. That much more screen space should make using it much more enjoyable! I can’t wait to see what kinds of fun new features iPad developers put in their apps. No doubt they will sell a zillion dollars worth of apps once people finally start using the iPad later this week.

It’s going to be a delight to lie on the couch with it and browse the Web or read my e-books. Sitting upright to use a laptop or a desktop machine gets very tiresome after a while, and the iPhone’s screen is really too small to use for this very much. So the iPad fits the bill nicely as “the missing link” that brings casual, comfortable computing to the couch.

And won’t it be nice to read e-books in color for a change? I love my Kindle, but its grayscale interface leaves a little bit to be desired when there are photos in a book. Everything looks like it’s from the 1800s when it’s in black and white. The iPad will bring things to life with crisp, bright color.

Oh sure, as I noted above, there’s this problem or that problem with the iPad. But who really cares as long as you can plop down on the couch with it? This 1.0 release may ultimately find its way onto eBay—but only after I’ve been using it for a while (and a new, better version has come out).

Did you guys really think I’d be able to resist the iPad’s allure?

I held out as long as I could, but I felt it calling to me telepathically for days. “Jiiiiiiiiiiiiiim, Jiiiiiiiiiiiiim… buy me! You know you want to! Jiiiiiiim, buuuuuuuuy meeeeee!”

I had to obey. I just had to.

Here’s what I ordered:

1. The $699 Wi-Fi–only model. Who needs a data plan? I’m not paying a carrier more money for something I’d rarely use. But I did want the maximum amount of storage on my iPad. (Plus, this way, I won’t have to wait to get it!)

2. I got the dock, the case, and the power adapter. (Though I may have to wait for these.)

3. I didn’t order the wireless keyboard because I already had it.

4. I got Apple Care for it, as it’s come in handy a number of times with other Apple devices.

Praise Jobs! God Emperor of the known universe!

How many more minutes are there until April 3? I can’t wait! iPaaaaad, iPaaaaad, iPaaaaaad…

What’s your take on the iPad? Are you an Apple Freak? A Steve Jobs cultist? Tell me in the comments.


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2 Responses to Apple Freaks Swarm for the iPad!

  1. Jim on April 12, 2010 at 7:31 am

    I totally agree, Bakari. It’s fantastic for reading. Between the Kindle app, iBooks, Safari and various apps, I’m in heaven. I love laying in bed with my iPad or on the couch or taking it out onto my deck. It’s so much better than fiddling with a laptop in all three of those situations. And it’s nice not to have to sit in front of a desktop too.

    I don’t regret getting a first gen at all. I would not have wanted to wait for a 2nd gen iPad. It’s way too much fun to hold off for another 6 months or a year or whatever. The first gen products are well worth the price.

  2. Bakari on April 11, 2010 at 12:56 am

    This was the first time I broke down and got a first gen piece of Apple hardware. I normally wait, but since my PowerBook gave out months ago, and I wanted to write about this product, I decided to get the low end model. When the next gens get better, I can just pass this one down to one of my kids.

    But basically I agree with much of what you say. I wrote an article about how if you if you must get an iPad, don’t get anything above the low end model. With all the cloud services around, what’s with the need for huge storage space, unless you travel a lot. Of course, some people just got the device purely because of the hype. I on the other hand am really liking it for portable reading and other media consumption.

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